MIMM: Owning It.

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Good morning and happy Monday! If you’re in the US, happy Memorial Day – I hope you have the day off and are making the most of it. I will be in my office today, trying not to be too jealous Tongue Out

But yes – I am back from my trip to Ottawa. 5 1/2 hours one way car ride – and only went up for two days. I feel like most of my 4 day weekend was spent in a car! But, the conference that I attended Friday was a success, and I got to spend a little bit of time with my cousin on Saturday morning before I left. Chelsie and I were hoping to meet up on Thursday, but unfortunately, both of our busy schedules made that impossible. However, this just means that I’ll have to make another trip up – or I’ll have to force her to come down to these parts Wink

So I’m saving the majority of conference for my WIAW post this week, but there was one particularly marvelous aspect of the conference that I wanted to address. Because it’s that day of the week where we make a point of talking about marvelous things!

MIMM

Thank you to the marvelous diva herself for hosting!

So back in the ED days, I was pretty reserved. The ED had it drilled in my head that I was not worthy of people’s attention, so I wouldn’t seek it. In fact, I think my goal a lot of the time was to keep myself as invisible as possible. Whether I was in class or in a social situation, I was the girl hiding in the corner, counting down the moments until I could leave and get home to my ‘safe’ space again. I convinced myself that I was shy and and introvert, and that I didn’t really like being around people. Yet another lie to add to the list that the ED told me.

Throughout recovery, I slowly began to emerge from the shell I had built for myself. And I learned – I actually like being around people. I still need my alone time, but I do enjoy conversing with people and getting to know them, talking about anything and everything. This is something that I’ve learned to appreciate in a small class setting in my MA program; the exchanging of information and ideas, leading to some fascinating discussions. Although I held myself back quite a bit from participating, slowly I began to open up more in class and in social settings and contribute to conversation, becoming more confident in my ideas and what I had to say.

You Are Wonderful

In my ED, I had no self-confidence. I had no sense of self-worth, convincing myself that I had nothing valuable to contribute and other people would not be interested in my thoughts. I thought that I wasn’t memorable, and was better off fading into the woodwork.

I realized on Friday that those thoughts and feelings are gone. While my self-confidence could use a bit of work sometimes, generally I’m a lot more comfortable and confident with expressing myself and contributing to conversations. I’m more comfortable in social situations and can honestly say that I adore getting the chance to meet everyone that I can. I feel more assured and confident in approaching people and making my thoughts and opinions known.

I Am Worthy

One of the organizers of the conference was an old prof of mine from Brescia – actually, I took one of his courses in second year, and I can easily consider it my favourite course. I was absolutely convinced that he would not remember me. It had been four years since I had taken his course, and I had spent most of the time hiding in the back corner of the room, refusing to participate (except for one time when, during a skit, I got to play the role of stripper. True story). Who would remember that?

Well, he did – both by name and by face (by face was particularly surprising, considering that it was my second year of uni that I was at my worst in the ED) so I got the chance to catch up with him a little bit. It served as a reminder – even if I wasn’t particularly active in that class, I was still memorable. Just by being there, people were noticing me and deemed me worthy of remembering years later.

I held onto that feeling throughout the day and used it to meet and talk with all sorts of brilliant people; before, I would have considered myself so beneath them that I wouldn’t have been worth their time. In fact, I even approached my ‘academic crush’ (in the sense that I think he’s absolutely brilliant and I think the research he does is groundbreaking) and held him in conversation for a while. AND I talked to him about my thesis project, which he told me sounded great — something that is amazing to hear from someone you admire so much!

Self Confidence

So to sum everything up – I’m actually confident and comfortable enough with myself these days to consider myself worthy and deserving of other people’s attention; something I didn’t have for so long. It’s another piece of me that the ED had stolen from me, but I’ve taken it back again. And that makes me, so, so happy. I have self-confidence these days, and I am definitely owning it Wink

Other marvelous things from my weekend:

I tried Katie‘s half green tea/half lime refresher on Thursday. Umm, lady’s a genius – it was amazing.

Cool Lime Refresher Green Tea Starbucks

We stopped for lunch at an on-route on the way up, and I got a Spring Fever pita from Extreme Pita – greens, chicken, goat cheese, berries, dried cranberries and balsamic vinaigrette. The best part was my last bite; just a little bit of pita stuffed with goat cheese. I mentally added goat chevre to my grocery list right then – my favourite cheese ever.

Spring Fever Extreme Pita

Saturday morning before I left, my cousin took me out for breakfast at Tutti Frutti. I got the panini crepe – a whole wheat crepe stuffed with eggs, ham and swiss, pressed and grilled. A massive pile of fruit on the side.

Panini Crepe Tutti Frutti

We stopped at The Q Chicken and Ribs on the way home from Ottawa for an early dinner – the driver was my friend Nate, and he recommended it. We got starter coleslaw, and then I ordered chicken souvlaki. Cannot get enough tzatziki these days!

Chicken Souvlaki Q

Of course, the highlight was coming home to my boys Wink Obviously, both were glad to see me, but Atticus went nuts when I came in the door – puppy missed me! Eric and I have discussed this at length and we agree that he is definitely a momma’s boy.

Holy massive post. If you read it all, kudos to you!

Whether you’re on vacation today or not, have a great one!

<— Are you off work today? Are you relaxing are keeping busy?

<— Generally, do you think that you’re self confident? Does it come naturally, or do you have to work for it?

<— What was the last dish you ordered in a restaurant?

img source 1, 2, 3

43 Comments

  1. Aw bummer you didn’t get to meet up with Chels. I know what you mean about the way you were in your ED days versus now. I definitely convinced myself I was a lot of things that I wasn’t. I convinced myself I didn’t LIKE a lot of things that I did. It’s all about trickery in those times. I’m not sure I was any more shy than I already am- I’m not a super self-confident person in general and never have been, although I know I spent a lot of time alone and with my parents in those days. I still do, but it’s different now. I always think a teacher won’t remember me from years ago but usually they do and it definitely gives me a boost! Owning your confidence is awesome! It makes life way more exciting when you’re really living it :)
    Sarah @pickyrunner recently posted..I’m gonna make this place your homeMy Profile

    • Definitely agree that it’s all about trickery – ED’s have a way of making us believe the most ridiculous, untrue things.

  2. Good for you girlie! Isn’t it amazing how much we can change over time and how much more we can experience if we get out of our heads? Sounds like you had a great time and so awesome that you got the approval of your “academic crush”…that HAD to feel great!

    No day off for me, but since the man-friend went out of town on Friday, I had the weekend all to myself so I did my best to make the most out of it…and by the “most”, I mean that I really didn’t do anything super exciting at all…farmers market, park, and mowing the lawn…but hey, I enjoyed it! Yes, I’m a freak who actually LIKES mowing the grass! Lol

    I have more self confidence now than I’ve ever had when I was younger, but it’s definitely something I have to continually work on. Negative/comparison thoughts tend to sneak up on me sometimes! :-/

    On Thursday night before the man-friend left town, we went out for pizza since we’ve both been craving it for weeks…it was ok, but I STILL have a massive craving! Might have to whip up one this week at home!
    Heather @ Kiss My Broccoli recently posted..Blends, Bits, & BreaksMy Profile

    • As long as you enjoyed it! I absolutely adore those kinds of low key weekends. I think self confidence is one of those things that grows with age, as well – I think a good chunk of my improvements in my self confidence has to do with getting a little bit older/apparently wiser ;-)

  3. That post makes me smile so much Sam!! I can absolutely imagine how shy you acted in your ED days, because I was exactly the same. I literally starved myself smaller, so people wouldn’t take notice and I could maybe one day disappear. It is so amazong to read how you developed that self-confidence and I can also read this comfort in every post of yours. My self-confidence increased a lot the last few years. I always SEEMED to be self confident, I always knew how to communicate with people, approach them or make them laugh – but inside, everything was a lot different.
    That Pita and that breakfast look sooo delicious and I am happy for you that you had such a great weekend!!
    Lucie@FitSwissChick recently posted..Marvelous in my Monday- Chill ModeMy Profile

    • I think that’s what I was going for at the time too…almost starving as a means to make me so small that I would disappear.

  4. way to EMERGE and EMBRACE your true self. That is courage and you will ENcourage others with it Sam.

  5. Bummed you didn’t get to meet up with Chelsie! She just ran an awesome half marathon. I love this post though. Although I haven’t “known” you (as much as I can through the computer) that long, it seems as though you’ve shown a tremendous amount of personal growth and that is great. Way to go :)
    Meg @ runningonjava recently posted..lack of creativity + pain medsMy Profile

  6. Your honest posts like this one are always my favorite…so real and so relateable! I can definitely resonate to having a low self-esteem at one point, and not wanting to go out of my comfort zone. Especially over the past year, I think my confidence has grown tremendously and I know that’s mainly to do with finally reaching a point where I am confident in my own skin. A while ago, my mom told me a phrase which has stuck with me since: “if you don’t love yourself, don’t expect others too”…so true!

    Love the look of that souvalaki! The last thing I ordered at a restaurant was teppanyaki rice with salmon sashimi & miso vegetables- super yum!
    Khushboo recently posted..“Weird” health foodsMy Profile

  7. we have to work at our self-confidence, especially with our skin issues makes us feel less and less confident during our flare-ups. we have to continually remind ourselves that we are beautiful and tell ourselves to smile. we have gotten better over the years but we still have those days when we need those extra pushes.
    purelytwins recently posted..people that inspire us off instagramMy Profile

  8. Keep up the absolutely phenomenal attitude. You don’t know how many people you are inspiring by being your honest self. I went though an ED in the past, but I have overcome it and have become much more confident. Stay strong, lovely!

    PS. You’re not the only one who hoards certain posts for certain days. I myself save certain things for WIAW!

  9. This was really refreshing to read. Especially right now. I feel like where I fall behind is that self confidence, that belief in myself that I am worth more than negative thoughts and let downs. I am so happy you have found that point and continue to see the best in yourself. I love seeing all you accomplish, all I see is one successful woman.
    Alex @ therunwithin recently posted..MIMM: Never a Stepping StoneMy Profile

  10. Hey neighbour (I’m in Toronto!)! I’ve done the drive to Ottawa before… actually to Mt. Tremblent.. and it’s the worst. I’m probably the worst passenger in a car EVER. I get so ADD and bored and it’s just not fun lol. I need a lot of things to keep me entertained, so kudos to you for not going crazy. Also… those ribs and chicken – ummm, hello delicious! And a huge CONGRATS on having that man say that your thesis is basically going to KICK ASS. Happy MiMM! :) xo
    Sarah @ My (Mostly) Healthy Life recently posted..Foodie Filled Weekend & My First MiMM!My Profile

    • Ah! I love meeting nearby bloggers!! As for the car ride, I’ve always considered myself lucky that I can read in a car without any issues ;-) And yes, definitely a huge confidence booster!

  11. I’m so happy to read this! It’s really nice to hear how much you’ve grown and recovered. You’re awesome!
    Alyssa @ Road to RD recently posted..MIMM- ChinchillinMy Profile

  12. Good for you love! I’m so happy to hear your a lot more comfortable and confident in yourself these days! I think that’s something I still struggle with being fully confident in myself. A lot of people think I’m confident, but deep down I still need to work on that a lot. Just because lots of those issues have a lot to do with my past and how I was treated, but I’m working on it.
    Oh, that Starbucks drink sounds fab!
    I’ve never seen berries in a pita, that sounds really good actually!
    Happy Monday!
    Lisa recently posted..Life LatelyMy Profile

    • Definitely going to be recreating that pita at home, it was delicious! And just getting into the season for berries too. And I’m glad to hear that you’re working on it, I know you’ll get there!

  13. Beautiful post, my dear :) I’m off classes today, so I’m using the day to catch up on homework!
    Courtney recently posted..MIMM: Photos from the WeekendMy Profile

  14. A positive attitude is everything and is what you need to overcome challenges in life, so crucial! I am so happy you have a positive attitude and that has helped you! I know it can be hard to find that positivity, but once you do, it is easy to keep with if you truly want to always see the good and feel good!

    So glad you liked the tea combo :)

    love ya girl!
    Katie recently posted..MIMM #51 with Lots of Fun Highlights From The Weekend!My Profile

  15. Pita sandwiches are the best! I love that that contained berries. To me, fresh fruit most definitely equals Summertime!
    Hannah @ CleanEatingVeggieGirl recently posted..“Cheeseburger” Grilled Cheese SandwichMy Profile

  16. Girl, this is absolutely wonderful and put a huge smile on my face for you :) I’m noticing myself becoming more confident because of and through running, and it’s made a huge difference in my life. I’m still quieter in large groups of people at first, but I’m getting better about talking to people a lot more than I used to…Joe’s popularity has helped that a lot haha. I have to talk to people to a lot more people that I don’t know/know as well, which has given me plenty of practice in confidence building :P
    Caitlin recently posted..About Those Pictures….My Profile

    • I’m happy to hear that you’re becoming more confident too love! And yes – I found that having to make friends with Eric’s friends (who I didn’t know at all – we didn’t have any mutual friends when we met) definitely helped me learn how to interact with people I didn’t know well.

  17. I just found your blog through MIMM and am always happy to connect with fellow Canadian bloggers. Brave post, and I really enjoyed reading it. It sounds like you’ve come a really long way. Also Criminology? (I know, off-topic but I was also reading your About page!) – so cool. Love that you’re studying that!

    Also I see we share the same taste in takeout – LOVE Extreme Pita. And the lime refreshers at Starbucks are my go-to summer drink – either those or iced passion tea!

    • I’m always excited to find Canadian bloggers as well! And yup – I really love what I study! I basically look at representations of law and crime in media, which I absolutely adore.

  18. I know when I was deep in my ED I felt the same way. You’re so self conscious and don’t think you really deserve anything. You put everyone else first and yourself last. That was one thing I LOVED gaining during my recovery was realizing I am worth it, people DO like me and I am likeable. It’s a great feeling!44

    So glad you are realizing your self worth and getting more confidence!! And all those meals look amazing! I love goat cheese and love the way it melts in your mouth!

  19. Good for you! I think self confidence is something we can all work on. You ARE worthy so I’m glad you realized it :)

    And I definitely agree with the goat cheese – goat cheese is the bomb!
    Alex (Veggin’ Out in the Kitchen) recently posted..Eats from HomeMy Profile

  20. I’m glad to hear that you’re finally realizing how freaking amazing you are, love :) Self-confidence is something that I’ve struggled with for pretty much as long as I can remember, and while I can’t say that it hit rock bottom when I was struggling with my ED, I can definitely say that recovery has done -amazing- things for my confidence. I don’t know what it was, but everyone seems to say that I’m such a different person than I was before I got sick – and in a good way. Maybe that’s just a whole part of the “everything happens for a reason” mentality.
    Amanda @ .running with spoons. recently posted... has anyone seen my appetite? .My Profile

    • Honestly, I feel the same way about my ED. It was a horrible time period in my life, but at the same point I know I wouldn’t be where I am emotionally these days without it. And I probably wouldn’t have started a blog without it. Which would have been terrible, because then I wouldn’t have met so many fabulous people ;-) And that’s coming from one amazing girl to another! <3

  21. You are the lion Sam! It’s beautiful you feel self confident! I am working tomorrow- but I get to see the man I am falling for- so it won’t be so bad ;) I am always surprised at how confident I am- I don’t really think about it- but am always quite at ease once I approach a situation. That pita looks Devine! Last meal at a real restaurant was a local steak rare, crispy goose fat potatoes, spinach and Parmesan salad, buttered house bread- love the bread! Lots of love to your boys and your gorgeous confident self!

  22. It’s so wonderful that you find yourself being able to come out of your shell and gain more self-confidence. I am definitely an introvert and adore my alone time, but you would hardly know it when I am out enjoying being social with friends and family, so I think I have found a good balance. :-)

  23. That pita looks delicious!
    Matt @ The Athlete’s Plate recently posted..Paleo Banana-Walnut BreadMy Profile

  24. This was so inspiring and plain GOOD to read Sam.. a refreshing view of a then verses now. When we reflect on those really bad times, it’s hard to believe that we didn’t realize how damaged we were at the time. It’s only when you look back can you understand the extent of your misery, something that would not be fathomed when so deeply enthralled in the ED. That’s why during that time of recovery it’s essential to believe that everything will be okay, no matter how horrible/tough it seems in the moment. We both know it’s worth it to get to a place where you finally feel freedom with yourself… or at least much better than “the dark ages” :)
    On another note… heck ya to that pita. Goat cheese is most definitely my favorite cheese. How silly that I used to try and convince myself I didn’t like it! WRONG.
    Tessa @ Amazing Asset recently posted..“Battles and “Fights”- Too Much?My Profile

    • I had myself convinced for a while in the ED that I was happy with how I was living – that veil did not last long. So much brighter on the other side!

  25. I love goat cheese, especially when there’s a bunch of herbs in the mix!

  26. Good on you for sharing more of your story. I’ve never had an ED but I have definitely struggled with self confidence and self doubt over the years and it has been something that I’ve gotten a lot better with as I’ve gotten older.

    No long weekend here in Australia but we have 1 in 2 weeks for Queen’s birthday so I can’t complain.
    Jan @ Sprouts n Squats recently posted..Trial Tuesdays #3My Profile

  27. LOVE this post, Sam! It’s stories like yours that serve as a testament to the fact that ED’s don’t change us; rather, they just hide who we TRULY are. I’m so happy to hear that you’re in a place now where you feel not only worthy and deserving of other people’s attention, but confident to share your thoughts and opinions! And girl, you DEFINITELY have thoughts and opinions worth sharing. <3

    When I was struggling with my ED, I doubted and questioned nearly everything I did. Even though I think I've always appeared and seemed confident on the outside, I felt far from it during those dark days. I self-criticized every action and every word, which made me miserable. The way I feel now is 100% different. Sure, I get nervous speaking in front of large groups, and may over-dwell on "mistakes," but I fully accept and love myself for my imperfections.

    Umm, apparently we're on the same wavelength when it comes to food because I am obsessed with both tzatziki at goat cheese right now. I bought honey goat cheese the other day and it's nothing short of amazing. :)

    Hugs, and happy Monday! <3 xoxo
    Sara @ Nourish and Flourish recently posted..Without the Skinny RulesMy Profile

  28. I know that my confidence level and self-esteem has been on a roller-coaster ride for years. I have been an attention whore and then just wanted to waste away to nothing so that people wouldn’t notice me. I love that you are highlighting this aspect of recovery, because it is so important, yet it is something that is hard to gain when you are gaining weight at the same time. By the way, what do you say we double up on our next trip to Ottawa so we can visit Chelsie together?
    Devon @ Health in Equilibrium recently posted..Little WinsMy Profile

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